Casino Themed Bridal Shower Invitations

Recap!! (budget & rsvp breakdown, schedule, photos, after thoughts)

Date: Sunday, 12/2/2018
Location: Seattle area
Total cost: $25k
I love a good brain dump after the end of a long-planned event, so I spent this evening going over all the little details before they start to fade. I'm mostly writing it all down to help myself remember and help friends and family plan in the future, but hopefully some of you will find this enormous wall of text useful as well :)
RSVP breakdown:
Invited 154
In-state 113
Out-of-state 41
Yes 117
In-state 101
Out-of-state 16
No-show with notice 4
No-show no notice 4
No 37
In-state 12
Out-of-state 25
Budget Breakdown:
Venue (incl. coordinator, cocktail hour, dinner, drinks): $14,445.77
Photographer: $3,379 (8hrs of photography, high-res photos)
Flowers: $403.30
Cake: $554.53
Nails: $75? (Spa pedicure, Shellac french manicure with accent nail art)
Hair: $45? (We switched from full updo at the trial to half-up/half-down the day of, and she gave me a friend discount so I don't remember the final total, sorry!)
Makeup: $140 (Included trial run, false lashes, touch-up kit, friend discount)
My Outfit: $1600?
Bridesmaids x5: $157.59 each (They bought their own dresses and shoes, and added on hair and full face makeup if they wanted)
Stationery: $580.19 (, used 20% off codes on all orders)
Wedding rings: $1,200? (both white gold bands with extended warranty, free repairesizing/redipping for life)
Miscellaneous: $1,200?
Not included:
Day Before:
12-12:45pm - rehearsal at venue
2-4pm - rehearsal “dunch”
4pm onward
Day of:
8:30am - Hair and Make-up artists arrived at the house.
10:00am - My mom arrived with donuts, joined the line for hair and make-up
11:00am - My dad arrived with sandwiches for lunch
12:30ish - Photographer arrives for getting ready photos as hair and make-up is wrapping up.
1:00pm -
2:00pm - First look photos, photos with wedding party
2:45pm - Photos with family
3:30pm - Bridesmaids hide in dressing room in the Atrium while guests arrive
4:00pm - Ceremony in the Atrium
4:30pm -
5:00pm - Bride and groom join cocktail hour
5:30pm - Move everyone back to the Atrium for dinner, bride and groom introduced
5:45pm - Dinner service begins
6:30pm - Toasts (best man, maid of honor, father of the bride)
7:00pm -
8:30 - Grand departure
What went well:
Bridesmaid dresses: The girls used Azazie and were extremely happy with them! Each picked a different chiffon dress in the same color (dark green) and they turned out exactly how we hoped!
The vendors: 10/10 stars for every single one of my vendors. All of them went above and beyond my expectations and were absolutely fantastic to work with. All of them were on my venue’s preferred vendors list, except hair and makeup who are friends of mine from high school that started a HMU business together.
Going to the venue’s open house: One of the venues we were considering has an annual wedding open house. We made last-minute plans to go, and it was the best planning decision we made. We were so thrilled with the venue we put our deposit down on the spot. We got a chance to try all of their entrees and appetizers, and some drink samples. We got to meet lots of vendors who were already preferred by the venue, and we found our photographer, baker, and florist there that day!
First look: I had always wanted my husband to first see me in my dress as I was walking down the aisle. But having been at weddings where guests had to wait 2-3 hours for photos to be taken between the ceremony and reception, I opted to get photos out of the way beforehand with a first look. It was still every bit as wonderful as I had imagined, and it just made the timing work out so smoothly. And, I had the added bonus of a partial outfit change between the first look and the ceremony - he never actually saw my full dress (or my veil at all) until I walked down the aisle, thanks to:
The Cape!: I knew that I was signing up for a couple hours of (hopefully) outdoor photos, in a strapless dress, in December, in Seattle. Even in the best weather scenario, it was going to be cooooldddd. So I got a navy blue cape and (faux) fur muff to keep warm during the outdoor bits. I was very comfortably warm the whole time, it looks awesome in the photos, and it mostly kept my dress a surprise until the actual ceremony (where I took the cape off and put on my veil).
The Bridal Buddy: OMG. One of my bridesmaids got me this as a shower gift. I cannot sing its praises highly enough. I was able to put this delightful contraption over my form-fitting slip and under the actual dress. It took 2 bridesmaids to help lift my dress and find the arm holes, but once the dress was skooshed in and the neck hole cinched up I was free to go to the bathroom ALL BY MYSELF. As an extremely shy person this was a priceless freedom to me. It felt extremely secure when “in use”, I never worried about my dress falling into the toilet. It didn’t show under my dress at all, I completely forgot it was there the rest of the time. I swear they’re not paying me anything, I just really loved this product!!
Shellac manicure: Totally worth the cost. Got them done 3 days before the wedding, and they held up beautifully for over 2 weeks! Zero worries about scratching or breaking them!!
Early rehearsal dinner: I was a little disappointed that my MIL had scheduled the rehearsal dinner so early, but I’m SO glad she did. I was able to enjoy it without worrying about how late it was getting, and then I had plenty of time afterwards to spend with my bridesmaids at the house while still getting to sleep at a sane-ish hour. I figured we would get hungry later in the evening after eating so early, but we just ordered pizza at around 8pm and it was PERFECT.
Guestbook ornaments: I made another post about this earlier. I was SO HAPPY with how this turned out. I expected people would just sign their names, but most people got super creative with decorating them!!! I got a spray polyurethane to seal the wood and protect the writing (thank you so much streetbirds for the advice!), and the ornaments signed by the band made it onto the wedding tree and back home unscathed!
Hot Cocoa Bar: I was disproportionately excited about this. It was one of the first wedding ideas I had, and I was worried about the venue doing it justice (I wasn’t allowed to bring any outside food or drinks, besides a cake by an approved bakery) but it was PERFECT!! It wasn’t just powder packets and hot water, they had real melted chocolate in milk, and all sorts of fun toppings!! I got SO many comments on it!!!
No kids: There were a LOT of guests, mostly extended family, with young children. I had a very particular vision for the ambiance of the event, and the unpredictability of two dozen young kids was just not what I wanted. I communicated this as early as possible to everyone with children, and only 2 couples (both with ~2 month old newborns) were unable to make it due to this decision. My MIL shielded me from most of those conversations, but everyone was very understanding.
No DJ, no dancing: I’ve never been into dancing. I’m that person who tries to find another non-dancer to talk to while desperately trying to not get peer-pressured into awkwardly bobbing around on the dance floor to music that triggers awkward memories of Jr. High school. I had a first dance with my husband, a dance with my father, and he danced with his mother. Otherwise all of the music was a Spotify playlist of relaxing holiday music. I pay for Spotify premium so I was able to download the playlist onto my laptop (and a couple of old phones as backups), and that worked perfectly! I was worried that people would get bored without the dance floor, but people were perfectly happy to chat, play with the photo booth, play with the coco bar, explore the venue, and enjoy the liquid entertainment we provided ;)
What I’d do differently:
Read the ceremony script beforehand: I can’t believe this never actually occurred to me beforehand, but it legitimately didn’t! My husband’s grandfather has officiated all of the grandkids' weddings so far, and having been to most of those weddings I always thought the ceremony was beautiful and exactly what I would want. Which it was for the most part... the only real problem I had were a couple of very hetero-normative/cis-normative comments (“God made us male and female”, stuff like that). Fortunately my LGBTQ+ friends in attendance confirmed that they brushed it off as “religious grandpa doing his thing” and not something I'd asked for or approved beforehand, so it wasn’t really a problem. Just something I would have liked to tweak in advance if I had thought to ask!
Schedule our grand departure earlier: We had initially planned on having our departure at 9pm, but I was noticing a lot of people starting to trickle out around 8:15. A lot of people had work the next morning (it was a Sunday night), others had a ferry to catch (which was leaving at 8:45), and I was worried that there would only be like 10 people left to blow bubbles at us!! So we ended up leaving at around 8:30. There were plenty of people still there, this allowed more time for cleanup before our time at the venue ended, and we ended up making the 8:45 ferry with a bunch of our guests!
Bridesmaid robes: I never understood why it was so popular to get matching robes for getting ready together. Particularly the lightweight satiny robes I always see in pictures. I’d never wear it again, and I doubted any of my bridesmaids would, so I got us matching pajamas instead since we were staying together the night before. Until I wear a robe so you don’t have to pull a shirt over your head and mess up your hair and makeup!! DURR. I ended up having to ask everyone to make sure they brought a robe or button-down shirt for getting ready (and ironically one bridesmaid got to re-use her robe from another wedding). It worked out fine anyway, though the robe I brought was a heavier bath robe which did get uncomfortably toasty after a while.
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My cousin and I are in my sister's wedding, and my cousin is treating me like crap. Advice appreciated :)

I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but has anyone ever had to deal with their family not taking them seriously or kind of belittling them? I'm sure this is more common then I think. The main reason I am venting about it is how my cousin has been treating me.
Now, I'm 24 years old, 25 in a month. I nanny for three kids 50 hours a week and I make a decent wage. Not that that matters, but I feel like maybe that has to do with why people have a hard time taking me seriously. A lot of times people don't realize that being a nanny, even though I don't plan on doing it for the rest of my life, is still a real job. Another thing I think may play into some people belittling me is the fact that I attempted college before and dropped out. I am in college again and more motivated this time around, and this time around I have an amazing boyfriend to support me. I don't know if any of this information is important, but I'm big on self reflection and I'm trying to figure out why my cousin may look down on me.
So back to my cousin, who is 28, she has always been the bossy type and the type of girl who desired "the picture perfect life". That being said, she's doing so well right now, she just got married last year and she made me a greeter at her wedding and a year ago, we had a good relationship, not super close but close enough for me to play some role in her wedding. Now she is pregnant, 8 months in fact, so maybe that has a lot to do with her attitude, I don't know. She's very happy in her marriage and I'm super happy she is.
This year, my sister is getting married and she and my cousin are very close and she made my sister Maid of Honor. I was totally cool with that, for my sister and I are close but not extremely close and I completely understood her decision. Now, my cousin has been really great at organizing everything but she wasn't good at dibbying out the responsibility to the other bride maids. (I am a bridesmaid and so are 5 other girls) and her communication between us (maybe its just with me, I don't know) has been awful.
Every time I had called her for information about the bridal shower or the bachelorette party, both have passed now, she would rush me off the phone and basically, dismisses me. At least it is what it seems like.
For the bridal shower, my mom waas originally supposed to throw it. But my cousin decided that her place would be a better idea and took it over instead. My mom is way too nice, even though it was important to her that she threw it, she agreed as long as she got to help plan. Well, my cousin hadn't communicated with my mom at all and asked my grandma and aunt to help instead. She did however, put on the invites that her, my mom and I were hosting. I found out I was hosting when I got my invitation, but I was okay with that, it was nice to be more involved in my sister's wedding. However, I would have liked to be told before that and in a different way. When the day came, my cousin didn't really let my mom or me do much of anything. I was in charge of games and I like doing games so that was my part, but when I called her before the bridal shower to ask how many guests were coming she seemed bothered that I called her. As if I was already supposed to know. My mom was also really hurt and felt that she didn't do enough, but really, my cousin didn't really give her an opportunity to. So there's my sweet little mom feeling guilty over nothing :/
I chalked that up to being stressed and her need to seem perfect to our family. Also, that she's pregnant. But that was another reason I wanted to be more involved, all the planning is stressful, not to mention she manages a lot of people at her job. I didn't think all the responsibility to plan everything should land on her.
So I got over that and the next month is my sister's bachelorette party. My mom and I got to the hotel (it was at a casino) before everyone else and after I checked into my room, I decided to call my cousin because I thought she would already be there and I needed to know what hotel suite my sister got so I could help with setting up. Well, she was almost there but we had arrived first and she asked me to check her in. I explained that they would need her card because she was the one to make the reservation and I wouldn't be able to do it. I had just checked in and they asked for my card, so that is how I knew. Over the phone she starts complaining that I can and that I'm wrong and her tone was not friendly, it seemed like she thought I had no idea what I was talking about and that I was just making an excuse because I was too lazy to try checking in. That wasn't the case, but I later found out that is exactly what she thought. I told her to stop yelling at me and she hung up. They arrive and I didn't really think she would be annoyed at me, because at the time, I really didn't know she thought I was making excuses. I saw her big belly and asked her how the pregnancy was going, touched her belly (I've seen a ton of people do this to her and she is TOTALLY okay with it usually) and she snapped at me and told me not to touch her. I retreat, apologize and I backed off. I was completely caught off guard...I really didn't know what I did wrong. Her sister, my other cousin who I am completely closer to revealed to me that her sister was indeed pissed at me. This broke my heart, I really hate when people are mad at me, let alone for a reason I can't understand.
Flash forward a half hour and her, another bridesmaid (my sister's good friend) and I are decorating the suite for my sister's party. Things between my cousin and I are business like and awkward. Her and my sister's friend are bubbly and happy and they're talking about a bunch of different things. Some time has passed and my sisters friend wasn't even there when the previous spat occurred so I decided to try to get over my emotions (I was still upset that she was upset, immature I know) so I chimed into their conversation. They were talking about paid time off at work and budgeting their home life and I said something about that in a friendly manner, wanting to join in the conversation and restart the night off right. Well, my cousin then says "Lizzy, you don't get it, you don't really understand what we're talking about". my sisters friend left the room then, I don't really know if she even heard my cousin. But I am sad to say that I didn't say anything back. I really didn't want to dive further into a squabble with her since I didn't want anything to ruin my sister's night. Otherwise I would have stood up for myself. So I silently went on decorating the room, almost to tears. I feel like I overreacted getting that emotional, but it really hurt that she would say that, like I had no place to or something.
Later on that night I tried to take her aside and square things off with her and she simply said she couldn't deal with me right now. All I wanted to do was make things right between us. I approached her nicely too, but it didn't matter.
Another silly thing that happened was while I was filling a drink I asked her if there was something to scoop the ice with. She shot back sarcastically saying "No, you use your hands Lizzy." In a snarky way. I wasn't sure if she was serious or not and probably looked confused. She then went "Obviously you use a cup or something, geez...why would people use their hands? Think of all the gross casino germs". I don't think she realized I was confused because I wasn't sure she herself was serious and using hands didn't seem like something she'd do.
Anyhow, I really need advice because my sisters wedding is this Saturday and it seems like anything I do is taken the wrong way to my cousin. I know this day is NOT for her, its for my sister, so my plan is to avoid my cousin and enjoy the festivities.
USUALLY I would try to communicate with her, but this is the first time in a long time I've had a conflict with someone who isn't willing to fix it. I'm not used to it, I'm really lucky to be dating someone who actively talks through everything and communicates very well. And my attempt to make things smoother with my cousin failed miserably the first time I tried to.
Does anyone have any advice for me? How would you handle a situation like this? Not only do I want no petty drama at my sister's wedding but I don't want to lose whatever good relationship I had with my cousin before my sister got engaged, if it already hasn't been lost. I mean, she's family.
TLDR; My cousin and I are not getting along out of the blue, she suddenly acts like I'm 12 (I'm 24) with no just cause, we're both in my sister's wedding, she's not treating me very nicely and I would like some advice on how to resolve this without losing a relationship with her. Also, how to you fix a relationship if the other isn't willing to try to fix it?
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want to go NC (very long rant)

I hope this is the right placw for this post. I can't think of anywhere else to put it. Also, sorry for spelling and autocorrect. I'm only on mobile so it sucks.
TW: sexual assault mentioned
I'm trying to figure out how to go NC with my Dad and grandmother. I love the rest of the family but I don't think I can keep those relationships due to their FM natures.
TL;DR - my life story dealing with these people plus birth and wedding drama.
For some background I was not raised by my father. I was raised in foster care as I was abused and neglected by my mother. This is documented in police reports and court documents.
My father is not a reliable witness. He changes his stories to paint himself in the best light possible. I have three different versions of how things went down in my first year. The first is that my dad didn't know about me. The second is that my mom ran off with me and he didn't know where she took me. The third is that he was around and I was going back and forth between them and that due to sleep apnea they had to watch me while I slept so I had to keep going back to the hospital because they couldn't deal. I don't think I will ever know the truth.
In any case, I met him when I was 5. There are mixed stories about how that happened as well. In one version he demanded a DNA test because I was going to become a ward of state and would have been put up for adoption. In the other he was compelled to take a DNA test by the court because he visited my mother once in the hospital while she was pregnant. Both of these stories are from him. No idea what the truth is.
He said that he didn't go for custody because he didn't want to separate me from my brother. However, court documents show that he was found unfit (unemployed and living with a friend) and that his common-law wife would leave him if he had been found fit and he didn't want to lose her.
In any case, he was granted visitation but not custody. For the first year I saw him for a few hours every two weeks. Then he was allowed to take me for weekends. For a while it was good. We would play board games on Saturday nights. However, soon enough things started to change. I was left with my step-sister and her then common-law husband. She had brain cancer and never mentally developed past the age of 16 and was deemed by the government to not be able to take care of herself. They watched a movie with me where a foster child murders then entire family with an axe. I was 7. I had nightmares for years. When I was older and they had broken up she would take me to the playground to meet up with guys she met on the Internet. Where we my dad and step-mother? At the casino. I was allowed to stay up until 2am when they came home and was on my own for scrounging up dinner and snacks. Occasionally they would do game nights or what have you but usually they just watched crime shows while I was told to do my own thing. During the day when they were home I had to give my stepmother foot massages while she watched things like murder she wrote and matlock.
My grandmother was also awarded grandmother's rights. Every couple of months I got to go stay overnight at grandma's and grandpa's. There are naked photos of me in the bath at like age 9 (which now seems weird to me). We stayed up super late and watched adult oriented cartoons. When I was 13 I said that I wanted to make a birdhouse with my grandpa. We made it but she wouldn't let me paint it because it wouldn't be good enough. She painted it while grandpa and I made a simple wooden ship. Then she took picturs of the bird house as if we had painted it together like a bonding thing. I loved that ship. The birdhouse is in my foster parents yard. She would act like my brother wasn't part of my family because he was my half-brother.
I excelled in school despite all of the obstacles. Was a 4.0 student. This of course had nothing to do with me and everything to do with my dad and grandmother's genes of course. I was often told that if not for them I could not be successful. I never got help with homework or projects. I did it all by myself. I won an award in 8th grade that had not been won by an eighth grader in 2 years. Again, this was only because they were in my life according to them. When I won a district wide award for poetry and got published it was because my grandmother was a teacher and I must have got it from her. Not the countless hours of reading or studying Shakespeare, Coleridge, and Blake. Same with the community service award in grade 10 which I won over grade 12 students. Nope, somehow, despite them trying to forbid me from volunteering I only won it because of them and that I must get my generosity from them.
It was grade 10 when everything went downhill. I started to remember when I got raped by my foster brothers in my first home. I couldn't deal. When I talked about it I was told that I didn't know what I was talking about and no such thing had happened (at 18 I was awarded $5000 from the government because they had placed me there and I was raped). I became suicidal and ran away from my foster home. I got dragged to the psych ward and my dad was told that I needed to be under 24 hour suicide watch and he told the doctors that he would ensure it happened. He dropped me off at the temporary foster home on my own and left me there. Luckily a friend convinced me not to kill myself.
Social services didn't have anywhere that could take me past that summer. So they put me with my dad but he refused to take custody because he didn't want to pay for me. He told me this with pride. I had 2 outfits from before but he wouldn't buy me any until social services agreed to pay for them. I needed a particular calculator for school (for a course that my dad forced me to take) but he would not pay for it. He fought with social services over it until they agreed to pay for it. In the meantime I was unable to complete my coursework.
Over grade 11 all of my friends are simultaneously criticised and upheld as sooooooo much better than my old friends. Even now my dad says this. I have almost no contact with any friends from the second school but am in contact with all of my friends from the first. Go figure. My grades were no longer a stellar 4.0 and apparently it's because I'm lazy. Not because i'm dealing with trauma or anything.
Over the summer I am told that I will get a job and so I do. I think this is fairly standard, however, I was not working a part-time job. I worked full-time and got a second part-time job as well. I knew better. When the time came to pay school fees social services wouldn't pay for the Grad DinneDance (prom for Canadians) so I had to pay for the ticket myself. I paid for the yearbook and all of my extra fees. I paid for the dress etc. My Dad was going to buy me a class ring and told the whole family he was doing it (and wasn't he generous?). He never did. He said it was my fault that I didn't order it. I left the catalogue, circled the one I wanted and filled out everything except his credit card info.
During that year I turned 18. My family made a big deal about my birthday. We went to a restaurant with a type of food that I don't eat. They got an ice cream cake because that's what everyone likes (they did this for a decade after I became lactose intolerant) even though I couldn't eat it. I was told that it's not about me. When it came time for the big present I opened the package and there it was. A jewelry box. Now, when I tell this story irl it gets looks of horror. Why? Because I do not wear jewelry. As in, I had to borrow jewelry for my wedding because my only jewelry is what my son makes me. I read books, do puzzles, follow sports, but I am not a girly girl in any way, shape, or form. The worst part is that it is a jewelry box that my dad gave my grandmother. So, to add insult to injury, not only is it a bad gift for a person like me, they couldn't even be bothered to go get me one. Inside were charms for a charm bracelet (I didn't have one) and dollar store earrings. I felt so alone that day surrounded by people.
Just before graduation my grandmother decided that i had to have all of my friends over to her house. Sounds nice right? Well, instead of listening to me they decided to do what they wanted. I had to arrange rides for everyone to go an hour away for this thing. They made chicken for a room of vegetarians and complained that the guys didn't enough. She was also pissed that my one friend didn't want to play the piano since he had a scholarship for piano. My actual graduation my grandmother got upset that I invited my teacher from my old school. She was like a mother to me. They were also pissed that my boyfriend came since it's about family apparently. Never mind that he took public transit from 3 cities away.
When I went on to post-secondary I was pretty much ignored. I was working 3 jobs, doing volunteer work, was involved in student politics and taking a full course load. Luckily I was not being charged rent (yet) but I paid for every textbook, every pencil, every fee. I finished my associates degree. My dad and grandparents came to my graduation. Luckily my fiance at the time came because otherwise there would have been no pictures of me at my own graduation since all of theirs were of themselves. I move on to finish my B.A. and soon get very ill. My dad and step-mother tell me it's nothing and won'the take me to the doctor. Without a doctor's note i can't miss work or i could get fired. I work through it even though i'm rwally not feeling well. This goes on for weeks. One night I go downstairs to my stepsister's room, get out the words "help me" and promptly faint. I get rushed to the hospital by her boyfriend and i pass out in triage. I get rushed upstairs with a high grade fever and get pumped full of fluids. I had strep throat that because it was left untreated for so long got so bad i had to be on special antibiotics for a month and had to miss work for a month. Soon after i moved out with a friend who was trying to get out of an abusive relationship. I was told that I am too irresponsible.
Just as I'm finishing my 3rd year I do the unthinkable. I accidentally get pregnant by my fiance of 2.5 years. Well, you would have thought I killed someone. My dad sat us down for 4 hours to tell us that I needed to abort this baby or I would ruin everything that he and the family had worked for. My grandmother said I was not to discuss it at all. I went to thanksgiving and everyone had to say what they were thankful for and I was not allowed to say that I was thankful for my baby. I went complete NC until I was almost 6 months pregnant. However, at that point my roommate said she wouldn't live with a baby and the complications were a major issue (the baby was blocking blood flow to my heart every time I stood up). I had no choice but to move back in with my dad and step-mother. I had to pay $300/month for a room filled with their furniture. I was not allowed to bring my own. I had people going into my room all the time and I still had to buy food etc and all of my baby stuff. While I couldn't bring in any income and was registered as a student so I couldn't get welfare either. When I had the baby the rent was increased to $575 because apparently a baby requires almost doubling the rent. Now, on the surface this doesn't look so bad. However, my step sister had lived with them my entire childhood rent free. She did not pay rent until i was in my 20's. She was at that point in her 40's. So she had been living with them rent free for over 15 years! She also purposely got pregnant and that pregnancy was celebrated while mine was treated like dirt. They bought a deluxe stollecar seat set, a whole bottle set, crib, nursery, everything for that baby. I bought everything myself except for when coming home from the hospital I had to get a breastpump which my dad bought ($200 to the thousands spent on my stepsister's kid.)
When I went into labour it was awful. I told my dad and stepmom I thought I was in labour. I was told that I wasn't. That was at 8am. By 2PM I couldn't bear them. I finally managed to convince my stepmother I needed to go to the hospital. Instead of driving me she waited for my dad to get home at 5PM to drive me to the hospital. I get to L&D and I'm at 6cm. I'm freaking out because then fiance doesn't want to leave work. My aunt comes (I didn't call) and her and my dad end up being there for the whole thing. I gave up and got the epidural at 7cm due to a lot of pressure from my dad because "you can't do this without it, you're not capable of that." It stalled labour so bad that it took until 3 am to get to 10cm. When I start pushing they wake up then fiance who had come bUT fell asleep in the corner because "he was tired". My dad likes to brag that the anesthesiologist thought he was the father. (Ewwwwww)
There's a problem while i'm pushing and I end up with 27 people in the room. Yes, 27. There are pediatricians, OB's, nurses, I don't even remember all of them. They have to use forceps and my dad decides this is the perfect time to take pictures. He takes pictures of my son as he's being born and emails them to the entire family. The entire family has a picture of my lady bits and my baby's head coming out. BOUNDARIES. Omg. My son was born at 6:38. By 8am my grandparents have arrived from an hour away. They take photograph after photograph. I just wanted to sleep. Then fiancé's family arrives and they do pictures. My fiance won't stay and i'm required to have someone with me 24 hours a day until discharge. My dad says he'll do it. He stays for 4 days. I am not allowed to hold my child unless I am breastfeeding. He will not give me my own child. I am treated to many speeches about how his insurance is paying for the room. He rearranges all of the furniture including my bed and the baby cot to better suit him. I can't even see my baby. He gets snippy with the nurses. And of course, above all, the speech about how inconvenient this is and that he should be working. (And all I can think of now is well then why didn't you? I didn't ask you to stay. I had friends who would have.) I wasn't able to just hold my baby until my almost MIL came on the fifth day which was my first mother's day.
When I was finally released I was on my own. I might as well have been a single parent. Then fiance was not welcome in the house and nobody was helping in the slightest. I lasted one month.
My then fiancé then did the unthinkable and got his mother to agree to have me and the baby move in to their house. I had to sleep down the hall and go back to school (which I wanted to do anyway since I only had one year left to go). I hardly saw my family at all over the next 16 months. At Christmas my son got a card with his name spelled wrong from my grandmother. My dad talked about how he didn't buy him anything because he's just a baby. For his first birthday party I agreed to have it at my dad's since my almost MIL didn't want my family in her house (I can't fault her for that. She had major issues herself but I could never blame her for this). While I was ordering food that the family demanded they gave my son his first birthday cake. Without me. They took pictures and bragged about it. I still cry about this one. I suffered through PPD and difficulty bonding. He had colic for 6 months due to an undiagnosed allergy. I lived off of 3 hours of sleep a night. My then fiance never changed a diaper, never gave a bath, never took a night shift, never fed him. I did it all by myself except for my almost MIL watching my son while I was in class (I had to go there and back without delay). I earned that and they took it away from me.
As soon as I graduated with my B.A. I found a job, passed the three month probation and moved out on my own. I broke up with my then fiance since he had beaten the crap out of me months before but I wanted that damn degree. He was also emotionally and psychologically abusive (gaslighting especially). My dad agreed to help me move to my little 1 bedroom apartment 10 minutes away. He went with my boss to pick up the toddler bed my BFF was giving me. This was when I finally saw it. Prior to this I just thought this stuff was normal. My boss took me aside at work the next day and said that he was glad he already knew me because my dad didn't have a nice thing to say about me. Apparently I am useless and stupid. Wow.
Just after my son's second birthday I met DH. We connected immediately. On our first date he ended up finishing making dinner because I had to deal with my son. I almost cried. There are people who do stuff even if they won't benefit? He helped me do dishes and everything! It was unheard of! He moved in after a month. We end up moving to another city to beat closer to his work almost a year later. That's when I started to get sick. So sick that I could not walk. DH had to carry me to the bathroom. The doctor's were very concerned. At one point the neurologist called me and said that I was not to go back to work (I was supposed to go back the next day because work didn't think I was that sick) and that I was very ill and I was to see an endocrinologist the next morning at 8am. I bawled my eyes out. It wasn't what they thought (thank god) but they did eventually figure it out. My dad came once in the 6 months that I couldn't walk. My grandparents didn't come at all. My foster parents helped us get my son to daycare and back and had us over for dinner. My stepmom on their only visit said if I was actually sick I would be in the hospital. I should also mention that during this 6 months DH lost his job and was trying to find work while I was sick. I was the only earner and luckily my short term disability paid 70% of my wage but we racked up a huge debt during this time. Talk about kicking me when i'm down.
When I was finally better we moved 11 blocks from my dad. That was 2 years ago. My son was 4 before he knew who my dad was. He never visits, never tries to meet up. Nothing. My son gets dollar store gifts for Christmas and birthdays while my stepsister's daughter gets high end electronics, clothes, etc.
When DH and I find out i'm pregnant in December 2014 we let everyone know. My grandmother acts like the world is ending. How could we be so stupid? My dad promptly tells the whole family so that I don't get to. Great. He spends the entire pregnancy saying that he's going to be in the delivery room. I keep telling him no. I only want DH. You will get a call after the baby is born. Rinse and repeat ad nauseum. The final 2 months before the baby is born I am put on bedrest after passing out at work. No help from my dad who lives 11 blocks away. Instead, DH's mom comes in from 45 minutes away to stay with me since i'm having seizures!
I end up getting induced and MIL takes my son for the labour. We want him to be the first to meet his brother. After our son is born DH calls his mom, his dad, and then my dad. My dad gets pissed that he wasn't allowed to be there and we "shut him out of [youngest's] birth." He yells at DH who promptly hangs up on him. DH calls my grandma who isn't nice about it either. We get settled, ODS meets his little brother. DH's family comes to visit. We do not let anybody hold the baby even though it's the first grand baby on DH's side. I am still traumatized by my baby being kept away from me the first time. Everyone on DH's side understands that. No issues. My Dad comes in the evening and is pissed that he doesn't get to hold the baby. He's pissed he didn't get to watch ODS. He's pissed about everything.
My grandparents had said they would be by that day. They were 15 minutes away at one point and didn't come. They didn't meet YDS until he was 3 weeks old. They took a picture with him and left. It was just for the photo op.
When YDS was 1 month ODS had his first sports game. I invited my ex and his family, DH's family, and my dad. My dad and DH almost got in a fist fight. I had asked my dad not to touch the opposing team's equipment (he wanted to show stepsister's kid who he brought uninvited) and to instead show her my son's equipment. He made a big deal and started insulting me. DH jumped in. I managed to separate them. Dad left shortly because niece was bored.
When YDS is 2 months old we decide to officially get married. We'd been engaged for over a year at this point. We set the date and I call my family. My dad asks who asked who. Ummm who asked who what? Well you're getting married. Wtf. I called him the day I got engaged. He forgot. OMFG.
I hear nothing from my family about my wedding over the next 3 months. I go to my cousin's sweet 16 and i'm starting to see it. My cousin is relegated to sitting on the couch at her own birthday party because the adults and older cousins took all of the seats at the tables. Her boyfriend, my kids, and I are the only ones even talking to her. When she starts opening gifts nobody's really paying attention but she seems to be enjoying it. When it's time for the joint gift from the family (the we all pitched in for) my grandmother makes a speech that's all about her for 15 minutes! OMG. At Thanksgiving any time someone brings up my wedding my grandmother changes the subject. Same at Christmas. My dad gets my son more dollarstore toys while his granddaughter is getting brand name makeup sets (she's 8). My grandmother gives me a bunch of breakables and a mattress cover (yay for that part!) Which of course gets a round of Wtf from DH and I because small children, 800 sq feet and breakables are not a good idea. I had asked my dad for a $20 plastic tea pot that makes loose leaf tea because mine broke. Instead he bought a dainty glass one because my grandma has it. It doesn't make loose leaf tea without buying a piece for that. DH gets socks and a gas card.
Well, less than one month before the wedding it starts. According to my grandmother what we have planned isn't good enough. We need more. They're not involved enough. DH'S family is too involved. They want to plan a bridal shower and gift opening. Fine. Whatever. She sets a date for the bridal shower. I ask if she needs any help. Anything. No no no. She asks if I need toasting flutes for my reception. I tell her no, we don't drink wine or champagne and we're not doing toasts. What do I get at the shower? A sex game (ewwwww) and champagne flutes that have been engraved. Fuck off. I said no so you went and did it anyway! Then she makes a big speech about how much work it was and she didn't have any help! Arg. My foster mom came and I introduced her as my mom and my grandmother kept correcting me. According to her family is only blood. Even though my sister and I were raised together we're not family. Dessert is an ice cream cake. I don't know what I expected.
My dad gets pissed off that he's not involved. I planNed on walking down the aisle by myself which pissed him off. He yelled at me that i'm selfish, ruining this for him, and he's disappointed in me. I told him I didn't care. My ODS walked me down the aisle instead because he wanted to.
Well, the day before my wedding I get an email saying that I have to invite my cousin's boyfriend. My own brother wasn't bringing his girlfriend because of limited space. I had never even met this guy. We go back and forth and she threatens to have that entire side of my family boycott the wedding including refusing to drive my brother in after he flew in from another province with his family (my half-brother on my dad's side) Fine. Whatever. I don't even speak to them the day of after that BS.
At the church before the ceremony while i'm getting ready a block away my grandmother meets my other grandma. This is my bio mother's bio mom (my mother was adopted) who I have a good relationship with and talk about often so my grandmother knows about her. She introduces herself (of course.) "I'm ____ wenzalin's grandmother. Who are you?" My grandma of course says that she's my grandma. My dad's mother tells her that no she's not! The nerve of that woman!
Meanwhile, my father has placed my stepsister's daughter in my son's place in the first pew! He gets told to move her multiple times but outright refuses. I was unaware of this unfortunately or heads would have rolled. My son walks me down the aisle and has to go sit in the last row! I was furious!
After the ceremony while my poor photographer was trying to do his job my dad is loudly complaining that the photographer is getting in the way and ruining all of my dad's pictures with the flash! He also recorded the entire ceremony even though the priest asked everyone to turn off their cell phones and not take pictures or video! He had no respect for the sanctity of the church at all. When the photographer was getting a picture of ODS with my bouquet my niece (brother's daughter) took away the bouquet. My stepmom said it was okay because it was for girls. My dad agreed. I nicely took the bouquet back and gave it to my son for his picture.
At the reception itself my grandmother rearranged the tables before we got there. The kids didn't get to sit together, my son didn't get to sit with me. I let it go though because wedding. I was lectured for handing out cake and for taking my son to the car to try and find his runners. My dad was supposed to be watching him but since both nieces were there that didn't happen.
The next day was the gift opening. It went okay for the most part. Little annoyances. Then grandma makes a big speech about how much work she did and how exhausting it was and all this stuff. For an event she demanded that I have! That I didn't want! That she demanded to host! Later when DH is loading the car her neighbors come near our car and park in their garage. Nbd right? Nope. Grandma yells at DH and says he needs to go park the car (in the pouring rain) at the end of the complex and carry everything to it. After the neighbors are already in their house! At 10 pm! In a seniors complex! DH says no and she shushes him. Omg.
My birthday was just over a week ago. My dad left a message to call him. I called him back, he said happy birthday. He starts going on about how seatbelts and carseats are unnecessary and a ploy by manufacturers. I had previosuly turned down used cardeats from him and refused to let him drive ODS without a car seat. I tell him he's wrong and he starts going off about how I never take advice and i'm a terrible parent. I hung up on him. Grandma has always called on my birthday. Not this year.
So now I want to go NC since this was the last straw. i'm worried about grandparents rights (they exist here) and i'm worried about flying monkeys. Help?
submitted by wenzalin to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]

My [50 F] Mom is so Critical of Fiance [29 M]. I [23 F] Don't Know How to Handle this Anymore.

I met my fiance when I was 20. I had just gotten out of a ldr with another female who ended up cheating on me and causing many other issues (including an attempt to sue me). I had signed up to a dating site and ended up going on dates with two different guys. One I decided to keep dating and ended up being my current fiance Tim.
I had issues with depression and being overweight growing up. I also had social anxiety on top of that so I never really went out or did anything. It's not really a surprise that my first relationship was long distance. Around the end of that relationship I began losing weight and realizing who I was and started to get over a bit of my anxiety. This is what led me to sign up to a dating site. I actually wasn't looking to find anyone and just hoping to push myself out of my comfort zone.
This is relevant because my mom seems to put me on some pedestal because of all the accomplishments/turnarounds I made. In turn with this, she would frequently compare my fiance to me. She would say she sees no ambition in Tim. Right now he works in quality for a manufacturing plant. He hasn't really made or expressed a desire to strive for more (at least to my mom). I currently work in accounting and I am just now graduating from community college. I am switching over to study dietary technology at a different school. Back when he was 18-19, he attended university and ended up dropping out. He wasn't ready for college yet. So she compares this to me doing a gap year and finishing community college. She keeps saying he is almost 30 and that he should have already reached certain points in his life. He has said to me he would like to go back but we can't afford that right now with our current finances.
Tim had made the mistake of sharing stories about when he first started drinking at 21. So of course now she brings that up. What made it worse was that Tim brought over some bottles of alcohol and mixed drinks for him, my mom, and I. She didn't seem to have any issues at the time but ever since then she keeps saying, "who does that? Who brings a bunch of alcohol to their girlfriend's mother's house". The thing is, he really just enjoys mixing new drinks and trying stuff out. It goes hand in hand for his enjoyment of cooking. Along with that I told her of a few instances of where we went out to a martini bar or a bar in general and she commented that I have begun drinking more since I met him or that I was drinking a lot lately. Now if you remember the first part of this post, you should recall I was 20 when I met him. Of course I would be drinking more once I met him because I turned 21 shortly after meeting him.
Another instance was that she had invited us to a work function. It was a low key opening of a new plant for a company she works for. When Tim and I got there, Tim acted very distant and didn't seem present. She told me about this over the phone that it bothered her but the thing was, his great aunt had died 2 days prior and she was basically a grandma to him. When I told her that, she said he should have just said that he couldn't handle going out so soon after his loss and just not have come OR to put his game face on.
Something that happened before Tim and I met was that he got hooked on one of those gambling sites when he was younger. He racked up a little bit of debt that his mom helped him pay off. He paid everything back. Now he just enjoys playing poker. We live near a city with a decent casino and he goes up there every so often to play. He has a poker fund that basically works where he deposits a portion of his winnings into it to use for next time and he never spends more than what's in the fund. He has gone maybe 2-3 times in the past year. My mom will frequently ask if he's been up there lately. When I told her he started driving for Uber to make more, she asked me if I knew for sure that's what he was doing or if he was really just playing poker. Seriously? He was driving for Uber. Every time he'd come home, he'd tell me all the stories and show me trips on the app on his own accord.
The last bits I'll mention is that she said that I should get a prenup because I'm sitting on a 'nest egg'. I have a savings account with $8,000 in it. She said I'm basically paying for everything and he is just riding on that. Part of why she thinks this as well is because I am earning more than Tim but only $1 per hour more. Actually what is happening is that I'm paying for a chunk of the wedding and Tim has been paying for all the groceries, electric, cable, and half of the rent. If I were paying more for our shared bills, then he could contribute more to the wedding. She's concerned on how he will care for me and admitted it was old fashioned but I was her little girl.
My mom has said these things in the past but it's now in more full force because the wedding is 6 months. At least that is my guess. She keeps saying that she just wants to tell me these things because she is a mother and she would feel bad if she didn't tell me and things didn't work out between Tim and I. She says she's not being critical but I have told her it seems like she never has anything good to say about him. She sort of shrugged that off. I just can't deal with this. My mom and I are very close. Some of this also came up today because I told her that his Grandma wanted to plan a bridal shower and I wanted to make sure my mom wasn't planning anything. She said not at this point and that she wouldn't be able to be genuine about it if she were to plan it. That she would be faking it and that she 'will not be fake with her daughter'. She said maybe she just needs to get to know him more but as it stands, she just says she wants me to 'have the best'. I tried to tell her that I can tell he really loves me and told her a story about something he did for me and she said that it was setting the bar low. The last time she was really vocal about this stuff it caused me to have very negative physical reactions (like heart pounding and filled with anxiety and unable to calm down).
I don't know what to do anymore. I do think Tim has lost a bit of his fire that he had and that he is capable of more. He is incredibly smart and caring. My mom is just so ridiculous with this though. I'm scared she'll put doubts in my head and this all isn't fair to Tim. I haven't been able to keep this from him because my face and body language is so readable. He thanked me for telling him (he kept insisting I tell him what was wrong) but I could tell it hurt him. It would hurt me too. If I were him I wouldn't want to be around my mom. What should I say to my mom? What can I do?
tl;dr: My mom keeps looking for every negative thing about my fiance. I don't know what to do because I feel like she is putting me in an awful position. What should I tell her?
submitted by throwaway5469436 to relationships [link] [comments]

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